Seriously, if I don't get better soon then I'm going to die. Just out in the hallway in the middle of passing period, die. On the floor, dead. A corpse that no longer coughs and wheezes and freaks out when she stops breathing for no apparent reason and resumes shortly after. I want to be better. I don't want Christian to be noble and take care of me anymore, I feel like a horrible girlfriend enough as it is. And now I'm all sick and gross? No thanks, I want him to feel better too.
Let's take care of each other. As humans. Everyone just be nice to everyone else for one day, even if it's that fake kind of being nice where your smile is so NOT real and you're too tired to focus on anything at all. Like that. But not. Yeah. Magic. I feel rather like an idiot writing here, so I have created a blog for my more philosophical and intelligent thoughts (groundlingsup.wordpress.com) although that will not stop my childish rants here. Right now I am happy being who I am. Life is good.
Prom will be awesome now that I know the date, and also that I was asked (rather uneventfully) to the dance. My dress is just itching to get out of my closet and see some dancefloor and potentially dinner action. The theme is A Starry Night, and it will be very fun and cool. So excited. My AP World History test also approaches. Ugh. And with that, I must go study. So I've figured out my issues! (CLAP HERE) I know now that my problems with Christian's ex are all based on my intense need to protect him from everything that has ever hurt him, and she is on that list. So luckily for me, everything is gently fading into a happy montage of pictures of us backed by cheesy ninety's music. :) Life is good! The circus has left me with LOTS of bumps, bruises, and blisters! But other than my minor injuries, I am looking forward to a cool Triple Trapeze performance in a week and a day. Not long, but we can totally make it work. I made a new friend named Steven, who likes boys. I have surrounded myself with loving, wonderful friends and I am ready to take on the world! So many good decisions this week. Calling the ex by her first name and not the rather rude nickname we have for her (it's actually a story, so...technically it's not that rude), making up with some old friends who I've had issues with, and otherwise just being kind to others in general. That's what God calls us to do. YEAH BUDDY.
I'm out. I'm fine.
I tell myself that a lot lately, even though I really know I'm not on the inside. Every teenager does it within their span of actually being a teen. We get so disillusioned by our 'being fine' that eventually that's what we become. Not particularly happy, not really all that sad. Sometimes I just float in the middle and pretend that I'm the happiest girl in the world. I have Mia, who is such a wonderful person. I have Christian, who is loving and kind. And I have Steve and Liam, who protect and take care of me like no brother ever has before. I love and appreciate all of them; but sometimes I just smile for their sake when I'm dying on the inside. I can't tell Christian cause he'll get worried and that's the last thing he needs. Then there's Mia, who has issues of her own, same with Liam and Steve. I'm sure one or two of them will eventually read this. But don't worry guys, I'm fine. (I'll Try - Jonatha Brooke) Literally! I'm running away with the circus! I'm off to have some grand adventure with Starfish Circus, which will be visiting my school a second time this year! Last year I had a super fun time doing contortion and floor acrobatics. I'm hoping that this year I will get to do something in the air, like silks or hoops.
There's not a feeling in the world like the one you get out of an intense 2 hour workout every day after school for two weeks. I will have a rocking summer body if I keep up the work even after they leave (it's hard not too, because it makes you feel awesome). Plus I'm about to become a bendy straw in two weeks. It takes about three days for my nic My title for this post comes from a quote from the lead singer of All Time Low, who I saw in concert in January.
I don't know why it makes me laugh so much, probably because there are a lot of people I'd like to 'bitch, please' right now. Quite a lot of them. I'd really like it if the adults in my life stopped trying to take turns controlling my future. "Get married." "Wait ten years." "Don't have kids." "Have four kids." "Be this." "Be that." SHUT UP! I know that I am only sixteen and therefore 'naive' about a lot of things. But I am also an independent, smart girl who knows what she wants to do, when, and with who. So shut up and leave me alone. I'm not 12. Liam: This guy and I share a birthday, and he's always really nice to me. When Christian's ex's boyfriend called me a loser bitch, he decided to go, "Have a little talk." with him. Liam is a big fluffy teddy bear that I am so happy to be friends with. He makes me smile when I'm down and whenever we get into little tiffs, they're easily resolved. Liam is the kind of guy who can make a sexual joke and not get smacked in the face over it. His hugs are the best hugs in the whole world ('sides Chris). He's one of the guys I am proud to call my friend and sort of 'big brother'.
Steve: Steve IS my big brother. I was his freshman last year, and he remains one of my all-time closest and best friends. Steve is the guy who smacks me upside the head when I need it most. He's also there to keep an eye on me and help me when I'm feeling down. People like him are hard to come by. He always takes care of me, but isn't afraid to be brutally honest. We can be silly, and talk to each other about literally ANYTHING. With Steve, I have no fear of being judged. Nor do I ever judge him. Brian: My Twin! Brian and I are close pals, and I help him with lots of things as he helps me. He's really quiet, but a total sweetheart and I adore him. My Chemical Romance broke up a few days ago. That makes me really sad because their music was always something I looked forward to hearing more of, and now there will be no more. I'm really upset about that.
But I did find the PERFECT mid-night blue, sleeveless, curve-hugging-but-not-slutty, Audrey Hepburn prom dress for less than one-hundred dollars. With shoes and jewelry my prom costs come to about $130, which is really cheap. I made it into Theatre 3! I GET TO BE IN MRS. BACH'S PLAY! I am so excited about that. Mrs. Bach is a huge role-model of mine and I want to be like her someday. She's crazy but fair, and very kindhearted. And now I get to be in her play! So this week has brought very mixed feelings. Sad that MCR is gone, happy about Theatre and my prom dress. Yay! She scares me. She's absolutely gorgeous and funny and knows how to manipulate people. She and I used to be friends, though she'll deny ever being close now that she doesn't like me. I just wanted to stay her friend. I don't understand why she changed. But she did, for the worse. Everything is about her now.
She's cheated on so many people. I don't understand why she'd do such a thing and why so many times. I don't know what drives a person to be like that, but I do know that humans are capable of repentance and change; she just refuses to do anything about it anymore. I want to be her friend again. I do, I'm just so terrified of her. Terrified that he wants someone like her, even when he tells me he doesn't. But then I think about myself. I don't want to be anything like her. I'm an emotional person and sometimes I'm nervous that he'll mistake my emotions for just being a bitch and he'll leave me. I'm afraid he'll think that my need for physical affection (I'm a natural snuggler) is me being a slut. I don't want him to think my need to verbally rant my thoughts is gossip or slander. I don't want him to look at my clothes and think, "She's a whore." I don't want that. I'm not like her...I swear... | AuthorI am Teague. I love you hedgehogs, kittens, turtles, penguins baby whales. Oh! And regular whales. ArchivesAugust 2013 Categories |
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